Is this the party to whom I am Tweeting? Premier Ed answers Albertans’ questions…

Tweet dreams are made of this… Official Government of Alberta Twittering Centre – may not be exactly as illustrated.

I’m not making this up! Premier Ed Stelmach wants to hear about the issues that are important to you!

The Premier’s Communications Braintrust (PCB) has announced that Mr. Stelmach will go on line, on Twitter and stuff, to answer your questions. (If you’re using Twitter, however, no making fun of Mr. Stelmach’s accent, OK?) No more deailing with irritating media reporters or Opposition members of the Legislative Assembly. Spontaneous videos of Mr. Stelmach answering your questions will be played on Youtube and the government of Alberta home page after Dec. 4. For the purposes of this new communications initiative, the Maximum Leader of Alberta will be known as Premier Ed. If that doesn’t make him more popular, maybe they’ll try “Fidel.”

“Premier Stelmach will try to answer as many questions as possible,” the PCB says. However, take note that some exceptions may apply. Please take the time to view our comment policy to ensure your question has the best chance to be answered by Premier Stelmach.

With apologies to the Government of Alberta and the PCB, I have just copied most of this stuff right off their Web page. I’m sorry I broke their copyright. I knew it was wrong. But I just can’t write stuff this funny myself. (Breaks down and sobs.)

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Premier Ed: One ringy-dingy…? Two ringy-dingy…? Paul, why aren’t there any ringy-dingys on this little phone?

Paul: This is training for social networking, chief, like all the kids do. This is how those unions are getting people to send you all those emails about …

Premier Ed: What emailings from unions…?

Paul: Never mind, Chief. Tom ’n’ I will take care of them. All you need to know is that there aren’t any ringy-dingys because that’s a cell phone. You don’t get any ringy-dingys on a cell phone until you push the send button. No! Wait! Don’t push it yet. You have to write out your message in that little window and then push …

Premier Ed: How do I write message on telephone? There is no typewriter! Why not just make a phone call?

Paul: Just a second, Chief. … Tom! Can you bring that BlackBerry over here? No! Not the freepin’ Pearl! Bring the big one with all the keys. … What? Yeah, I know I get a big one and you only get a Pearl. We’ll talk about it later. Just bring mine here, OK? … Now, Ed…

Premier Ed: No, Paul. I don’t really want a blackberry just now, thank you very much. I’m not hungry! I want to try this Tweeting! But I don’t want to get in trouble like that Stephen Wildrose Carter … ha-ha! That was a little joke, Paul.

Paul: We’ll be getting to that. First we’re going to need to find a message to answer. … Tom, did Ted send that test message about how all the young hunters are going to grow up to be great conservationists ’cause they want to make sure there’ll always be things to slaughter…?

Premier Ed: Hello! Here’s a message. (Reading…) “Dear Premier Ed. I got my flu shot weeks ago with my hockey team, but my old Mom lined up for three hours in the cold and then got told to take off. What gives?”

Paul: Don’t try to answer that one, Premier, I think it’s a real text message…

Premier Ed: What is text? I pushed the button and this time it is going ringy-dingy…

Paul: Shit! Did it say “Call,” or “SMS text…?”

Muffled voice: [Inaudible.]

Paul: Can you give me that cell phone now, Mr. Premier… The phone! Please…

Premier Ed: A gracious good afternoon to you, sir, is this the party to whom I am Tweeting?

Muffled voice: [Inaudible.]

Premier Ed: What? You’re a healthy hockey player and you’ve had your flu shot? I haven’t even had flu shot and I am Premier of Alberta? You’re going to have to give it back…

Paul: Please, Premier, hand me the phone! He can’t give back a flu shot…

Premier Ed: Just a minute. Be QUIET, Paul, I am talking to a voter…

Muffled voice: [Inaudible.]

Premier Ed: Yes, yes, I understand you can’t give back a flu shot that has been stuck in your arm and not in your mother’s arm. Yes? Yes. But you are going to have to pay for it!

Muffled voice: [Inaudible.]

Premier Ed: Well, that’s the way it’s going to be from now on in Alberta, Ron told me…

Muffled voice: [Inaudible.]

Premier Ed: Ron who? Ron Liepert. My minister of health, that’s who…

Paul: Sweet Jaysus! (Aside…) Tom, can you get I.T. on the line and find out who the hell he’s talking to? Yes, you can have a BlackBerry with a QWERTY keyboard, just make the call … please!

Premier Ed: You, sir, are going to have to pay Province of Alberta $25. Twenty five dollars is the cost of a flu shot… What?

Muffled voice: [Inaudible.]

Premier Ed: I can look up your tax returns! You are probably trying to write off broken hockey sticks as legitimate expenses…

Muffled voice: [Inaudible.]

Premier Ed: Oh yes I can, sir! You are not dealing with anyone’s fool! You are dealing with the Premier of Alberta!

Paul: Could you please just give me the phone, please, Sir?

Premier Ed: Quiet, Paul, can’t you hear I am Tweeting with this taxpayer … What’s that, Sir? This is not a Tweet? This is a Tweet, my Communications Director has told me so, and I would think he would know better than you, a mere hockey player! He is a Communications Director, after all! What’s next, Tweetings with bus drivers? [SNORT!]

Muffled voice: [Inaudible.]

Premier Ed: Oh really? I don’t think so, sir! We are not subject to city, state or federal regulations! We are the Province of Alberta! We are omnipotent, Mr. Rich Hockey Player. And if you don’t pay us the $25 you owe us for the flu shot you had when you were jumping the line, and which your poor old mother should have had, I am going to send Ron over to your house to get it!

Muffled voice: [Inaudible.]

Premier Ed: Ron Liepert. I told you. He is a big, mean guy and he’s already told me that guys like you are going to have to pay! Sooner, not later!

Muffled voice: [Inaudible.]

Premier Ed: Well, Tweet-Tweet to you too! You think so, do you? Well we’ll see about that when Ron gets over there to…

Muffled voice: [Inaudible.]

Premier Ed: Oh, you hockey players think you are so tough! Well, I think Ron will show you a thing or two about tough hockey players! Now, be sensible, Mr. Taxpayer, sir. Wouldn’t you rather just pay up than lose your health insurance and probably the use of an eye? … Amazing, Paul! That taxpayer just hung up on the Premier of Alberta. I must Tweet him right back…

Paul: NO! Please give me the phone, sir! That wasn’t a Tweet. It was a phone call. I think the 4H delegation is here! THANK you, sir!

Premier Ed: This is a good communications technique! I can see why the young people like to Tweet. This afternoon, I think I will Tweet some more…

Paul: Tom. Get someone from the Public Affairs Bureau over here pronto! Maybe we can make a video of him and slap it up on Youtube. I know you hate the BlackBerry Pearl, but whatever the hell you do, don’t give it to him!

[With apologies to Lily Tomlin.]

2 Comments on "Is this the party to whom I am Tweeting? Premier Ed answers Albertans’ questions…"

  1. Art says:

    Careful, in this province if you make fun of the Premier, his staff complain to the Edmonton Journal who run articles and editorials about how mean you are until you apologize and resign your position.

    Far safer to just mock bus drivers.

  2. Erimentha says:

    Truth is stranger – no, make that funnier, than fiction.

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