Holy Cow! Holy sheep, actually. If you wondered what uber-right-wing Tory leadership candidate Ted Morton’s been plotting through all these weeks of silence as his devastating pre-campaign strategic move to get Albertans to line up in his column and to crush the Wildrose Alliance like bugs, well, now we know…
In seven letters or less: Vanity Plates.
Er, Alberta already has vanity places, you say? Not like these, though. They’re blue! (Tory blue.) They have a SHEEP on them! (The voter, Alberta’s provincial animal…) Not that kind of sheep! A big horn sheep, of course. You know, like a mountain goat, only, umm, hornier. Alberta’s provincial mammal – really! I’m not making this up! After all, Alberta’s provincial bird is the … great horned owl!
Instead of “Wild Rose Country” they’ll say “Strong and Free.” (You know, like in the national anthem… as befits an Alberta sovereignist who signed the famous Firewall Manifesto along with such other notorious Western separatists as Stephen Harper and Wiki-assassination advocate Tom Flanagan.)
And if that doesn’t work, the plates can just say, “Live Free or Die,” the slogan of Dr. Morton’s native Illinois … and maybe of his campaign as well. (Ted’s not from Illinois, you jerk, he’s from Wyoming, by way of California. Flannigan’s from Illinois. And Live Free or Die is New Hampshire’s slogan. … Whatever! And why do you lefties keep bringing that up, anyway?)
The Edmonton Journal says the sheep picture was painted by artist Robert Bateman, who was impressed because Dr. Morton quoted Theodore Roosevelt, who like Dr. Morton was a big gun guy.
The Journal’s reporter didn’t bother to tell us what Dr. Morton quoted President Roosevelt saying, though, so here’s a Teddy Roosevelt quote for you, free of charge: “A vote is like a rifle; its usefulness depends upon the character of the user.”
In seven characters or less, what do think the chances are of this idea getting any voters to start supportin’ Morton? 2LAME2B? 2DUM2LV? 4GEDIT? Suggestions welcome…
This post also appears on rabble.ca.