As readers of Alberta Diary by now know well, some stories are just too complicated for ordinary bloggers to explain. That’s when we turn to the expert know-how of Perfesser Dave, the Answer Guy. Perfesser Dave knows practically everything there is to know about politics, economics and Canadian history. As much, even, as Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who knows stuff about Canadian history that even Pierre Berton didn’t! Perfesser Dave knows so much you’d think he’d be Dr. Dave – except, who would examine him? So if you have questions, don’t ask me! Direct them to Perfesser Dave! He has all the answers.
Questioner: Perfesser Dave, I’m totally confused. How can the prime minister of Canada blame Thomas Mulcair, the NDP Opposition Leader, for a vote by one CCF MP in 1939? This makes no sense! Why would anyone say a crazy thing like that? Can you please illuminate my fuzzification?
Perfesser Dave: Not a problem, Questioner. Mr. Harper was probably just tired and emotional because Danielle Smith and the Wildrose Party lost the election in Alberta after he’d sent out his best men to run her campaign and also get elected Senator. It would have worked, too, if her candidates hadn’t started babbling about the Lake of Fire, which they weren’t supposed to do until after the election!
Questioner: But I thought Senator was an appointed position, and anyway, that’s not what’s confusing me. Is the PM trying to say the NDP likes Hitler?
Perfesser Dave: Well, Mr. Harper wanted to appoint his pals to the Senate after they’d been elected as “nominees.” Sort of makes it legit, like. Now that those crazy Albertans have gone and elected Joe Clark Conservatives, he’s going to have to do the whole deal over again, or just appoint Vic Marciano without consulting anyone, which will look really crappy. So you can see why he was upset. But you’re right, he did seem to be saying that about Mr. Mulcair, didn’t he? I’ve met Tom Mulcair, though, and I can assure you that if this was 1939, he would have joined the Navy just as fast as the rest of us to fight Hitler, Hirohito and all those other “H” guys. I think there was a study once that said wars are always started by guys whose names begin with H. And if it were 1958, for sure Tom Mulcair would send our Avro Arrows over to bomb Berlin.
Questioner: Why would Canada be bombing Berlin in 1958? That’s just … dumb!
Perfesser Dave: No it isn’t, Questioner. In 1958, Berlin was in the hands of the Communists, who were just as bad as Hitler, and we would have bombed it if Mr. Harper and that Conservative Party of his hadn’t sold out to the Soviet Union, which was why they destroyed the Avro Arrow, a plane so good that if we had it now we wouldn’t need to buy those expensive F-35 stealth bombers to fight the Taliban!
Questioner: You’re saying Prime Minister Harper sold out to the Soviets? Come on, Perfesser Dave, that doesn’t make any sense! He was just a baby in 1958! Anyway, Mr. Harper is a neoconservative. Neoconservatives hate Communists! So he wouldn’t have sold out to the Soviets even if he could have, which he couldn’t, because they’re long gone.
Perfesser Dave: Doesn’t matter, Questioner. The Conservatives sold out to the Commies when Diefenbaker was leader in ’58, so Mr. Harper’s sold out to ’em now. Same deal, as I’m sure the PM would agree… Plus, all those neocons used to be Trotskyites!
Questioner: Awwwwwwwww! Perfesser Dave! The Soviets weren’t Trotskyites! Stalin had Trotsky bumped off! And John Diefenbaker, who I admit was a Conservative, didn’t sell out to the Commies. He sold out to the Americans. Remember those Bomarc missiles?
Perfesser Dave: How could I forget them? I drive past one every day on my way to work in Edmonton. But it doesn’t matter. Dief sold out to Stalin. Why else would he scrap the Arrow? Like I said, if we had Arrows now, Canada wouldn’t be under threat from the Taliban… And if he sold out to Stalin, Harper sold out to Stalin! Diefenbaker, Harper, same difference!
Questioner: Well, obviously there’s a difference. Anyway, we aren’t under threat from the Taliban…
Perfesser Dave: Gerda Munsinger. The East German hooker who slept with half of Dief’s cabinet, a couple of ’em anyway, both of them good Conservatives, so she could spy for the Soviets and give our secrets, like the plans to the Avro Arrow, to the KGB! Obviously that’s OK with Mr. Harper!
Questioner: What do you mean that’s OK with Mr. Harper? I doubt he even knows who this Gerda Munsinger was?
Perfesser Dave: Sure he does. A student of history like Mr. Harper? That’s why he hates the Liberals. He hates the NDP because they’re more popular than he is. Plus, he wants to buy F-35s, which like I said we wouldn’t have to do if we’d kept the Arrow. Connect the dots, man! There’s a straight line from Harper to the KGB!
Questioner: What are you talking about? Are you feeling OK, Perfesser Dave? This is completely crazy?
Perfesser Dave: It’s like this, Questioner. Gerda Munsinger came to Canada in 1955. She hung around with Dief’s cabinet, and not in a nice way. It’s obvious she was spying for Stalin. First she got Pierre Sévigny – the minister of defence, for crying out loud – to drop his trousers. Thank God he dropped his wooden leg, too, which is how the Mounties got onto him. At least they were still loyal, even if they did wear Red. Then she started fooling around with George Hees of all people, if you can believe it – and I know I still can’t! George was a fine man and a great Conservative! Christ on a crutch, and the minister of defence on a crutch too! Can you imagine?
Questioner: Watch your language, Perfesser! And don’t make fun of people with crutches. But what’s any of that got to do with the Liberals, or Stephen Harper?
Perfesser Dave: Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it? The Toronto Star was lousy with Liberals, still is, which is why they went and found Gerda in Germany, in ’66, after she’d been kicked out of Canada because the Conservatives wanted to cover up what she’d been doing under the covers with the Conservative cabinet… “Star Man Finds Gerda Munsinger.” The Tories have never forgiven the Star for that, Harper included.
Questioner: Well, OK… But so what?
Perfesser Dave: Like I said, it’s obvious. If Mr. Harper’s still mad about the Star finding Ms. Munsinger in Munich, and Dief tried to cover it up, it’s obvious the coverup is OK with the Harper Conservatives, right? And if Harper has no problem with Canadian cabinet ministers sleeping around with KGB agents, well, unlike Mr. Sevingy, he doesn’t have a leg to stand on, does he? It’s perfectly obvious his whole government is made up of secret Soviet sympathizers!
Questioner: Well, Perfesser Dave, that’s just … lame! There isn’t even a Soviet Union any more!
Perfesser Dave: So? There isn’t a CCF either!
Questioner: What’s that got to do with anything?
Perfesser Dave: It could just be the key piece of evidence in this puzzle!
Questioner: You know what, Perfesser Dave? … You could just be right about that!
This post also appears on Rabble.ca.