Rats! Alberta has ’em … and not just the kind Ed Stelmach warned us about

Norwegian rats have their eyes on Alberta! It’s time to root them out, and their pipeline hating, royalty demanding, revolutionary pals! And where’s the AHS Plague Plan? And why does Norwegian crude cost so much? Below: More warnings, plus Verlyn Olson.

I don’t know about you, but a lot of Albertans are surely going to have trouble sleeping tonight when they realize their province is no longer rat free. Presumably a sales tax could be next!

This has been a lousy couple of summer weeks for Premier Alison Redford’s government, what with all the health executive pension plans and whatnot becoming public, but this rat report has got to be the topper. Well, look at the bright side: it’s a break from a steady drumbeat of health-care disasters – at least until someone asks Alberta Health Services if we have a Plague Plan!

After all, we’ve prided ourselves for a lot of years on the fact the only rats welcome in this province are, as former premier Ed Stelmach might have put it, the two-legged variety found in the vicinity of the provincial Legislature.

Mr. Stelmach, musing back in February 2011 about certain politicians who played a role in his decision to quit public life in disgust, observed that there are two things Albertans can be proud of: “We don’t have any four-legged rats and we don’t have a sales tax.” (Ted Morton! C’mon down!)

Now we’re down to only one such point of pride. (That’d be the sales tax, naturally, which we still don’t have. But how much longer can we stave that off if the price of non-Norwegian oil continues to languish below a hundred petro-loonies a barrel?)

As for the rats, Agriculture Minister Verlyn Olson told a news conference yesterday that 19 of ’em were discovered on Aug. 9 huddled down in – what else – a rat hole in a dump near Medicine Hat, which is also home to a lot of venomous snakes and has all hell for a basement, the location for which it serves as the trap door, but never mind any of that just now.

No word on whether any of these four-legged rats had a gold-plated Kalashnikov given to it by a certified Enemy of Alberta – you know, like the premier of British Columbia – but Mr. Olson (who is a guy, notwithstanding being named Verlyn by his mom and pop) said there may be more of them in the region and we’re going to have to send in special forces to root them out.

That may not be so easy, because we’re not just talking kangaroo rats (which, dirty little secret, have been living here for years). Nope, these invaders are, wait for it, Norwegian rats!

This is bad, really bad. First the Norwegians embarrass our fine Progressive Conservative government by charging embarrassingly high royalties for their oil, and then not just pissing the proceeds away on pricey buyouts for health care executives who move to other provinces like we do here in Alberta, but actually using it to fund social programs and putting the rest of it in a savings account. And their oil costs a fortune compared with ours – what’s with that?

Now their rats start turning up in significant numbers just inside our eastern frontier. And you think this is a coincidence? Surely not!

My advice? Well, first thing, just stay the heck from strangers with a funny accents offering you tasty Kjøttboller – which even the Wikipedia admits is “a rougher version of the Swedish meatballs” – without a contents label.

Traps and digital cameras with infrared spotlights have been set up around the dump, we were assured by Mr. Olsen, who is the MLA for Wetaskiwin-Camrose. (What were his parents thinking?) Meanwhile, we await the Wildrose press release weighing in with demands that we purchase Predator drones with little rodent-sized Ratfire missiles.

Over at the Ethical Oil Institute, I think you can rest assured they’ll be looking into the Rattus norvegicus-Christy Clark-Norwegian Brent Crude nexus.

Royalty-demanding rats to the east of us! Pipeline-hating revolutionaries to the west of us! Guilty looking former health care executives walking around among us! It’s just not easy being an Alberta Conservative these days.

This post also appears on Rabble.ca.

8 Comments on "Rats! Alberta has ’em … and not just the kind Ed Stelmach warned us about"

  1. Carlos Beca says:

    I am surprised they had not seen these rats before. For a while we had one that really got very fat and it was from the species ratus meralis. According to the experts there are others not seen yet.

  2. Fred says:

    I’ve read that the Norwegians arrived in Alberta as stowaways aboard Tom Mulcair’s aircraft when he recently visited. The rats were last spotted departing the aircraft and scurrying across the airport tarmac, headed north.

    The Alberta Government should seriously consider recruiting a pied piper. The piper could corral all the rats using seductive rat tones and lead them even further north to the tailing ponds. The ponds could then be ignited into lakes of fire, into which the piper would induce them to jump, thus eliminating the Alberta rat problem.

    The Alberta Government should also consider recouping the employment costs of a pied piper from the federal NDP, since it is obvious that they are the organization directly responsible for the Alberta rat problem.

  3. Alex P says:

    And then Spillbridge pulls this http://sumofus.org/campaigns/enbridge/?sub=fb quote, “Enbridge, you delete islands off of public videos and maps to convince the public the project is less dangerous than it really is.” Check your (or Google’s) maps.

    I’m sure Ezra is in the ethical-mobile, sirens blaring, looking for rats.

  4. ronmac says:

    Lol! It’s no coincidence that with the demise of the Cdn Wheat Board rat sightings in Alberta are making news. However, what people fail to realize is that a far more serious rat infestation was already well underway with the arrival of Goldman Sachs and other big-time speculators in the commodities trade.

    Just as the real life rodents have the effect of reducing improperly stored crop harvests, the actions of these two-legged rat-bastards have had a similar effect, reducing available supplies on world markets in order to drive up prices.

  5. Filostrato says:

    Time for Mr. Olsen to call out the K-9 and Fee-Line patrols. Farmers in the U.K. (and probably elsewhere) have used terriers for centuries to rid their barns of rats. There’s nothing they like better than to burrow into rat holes and get the toothy little critters.

    And there are always cats, but they can’t be herded very easily, kinda like the NDP, you know? Harper could tell you all about that. The cats just go about their business very effectively without having to be told what to do.

    And then there are the wags who said that the rat problem will ease in Alberta – temporarily, anyway – when the fall session of Parliament starts in Ottawa, the honourable member for Edmonton-Strathcona being the notable exception.

  6. Gary says:

    Of coures we have rats,the Alberta Health Service executive is full of them & they didn’t come from Norway Their home grown

  7. Anna says:

    Foul rat haters,rat scarer,rat tormentors,rat killers,rat desecrate !!!!! That is what you are living in Alberta,and all you who enter here on this site is as heinous everyone. This horrible man who laughs in the picture at them poor little rat animal waste,makes me feel disgust for humanity.
    I will tell you about your awful rat hatred in Alberta for all that I know,and we will jointly boycott all goods from Alberta. You will also get worse tourist,who wants to go to a state that is full of rat haters. Not any normal functioning human being with empathy and sympathy visit such a heartless and soulless place that kill and exterminate defenseless poor rats.

  8. Anna says:

    Foul Rat Haters!

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