Ahoy there, matey! Talk about maritime disasters! Trapped on a CAPP-sized banana boat with Ezra Levant!

The captain of the the MV Zuiderdam tells Michael Coren, right, to fetch him a cup of Starbucks. Sun News Network tour group hosts may not appear exactly as illustrated. But you’ve got to admit it’s a pretty good likeness! Below: a sample of unethical oil.

Call me Ishmael!

Would you pay $8,679, or even $2,952, to be trapped for nine days aboard a boat, even a very large boat, with Ezra Levant, Michael Coren, Brian Lilley and a host of other sorry reruns from the Sun News Network commentariat, not to mention the communications vice-president of the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers?

This is a serious question, people! And if you answered yes to it, then perhaps © Ezra Levant’s Freedom Cruise next August is for you. Anchors aweigh!

I’m thinking I may pass on this particular opportunity myself, although in truth we (the matrimonial we, that is) have been thinking that an Alaska cruise might be a very pleasant way to pass some time as retirement beckons.

Still, I’m not walking across the rickety gangplank of any ship with Messrs. Levant and Coren aboard unless it’s named the Pequod and I am permitted to wear officer’s whites and be in command as we make our stately way through British Columbia’s still-pristine Inside Passage along the route followed by the ill-fated Queen of the North.

Please be calm, people. Everything is under control. The bridge is fully staffed with capable officers such as myself. That rainbow sheen you see on the water is just a slight residue of WD-40 from a passing fish boat, the almost entirely harmless residuum of a quart of completely ethical oil. Coren, fetch me a cup of the finest Starbucks from the Atrium and Ocean Bar below! And be right smart about it, man!

Where was I? Oh yes… © Ezra Levant’s Freedom Cruise. Readers who regularly follow this blog will think I am just making this up out of a malicious and spiteful sense of mischief, but I assure you this is not the case.

Indeed, we must admire the Sun News Network, even as its viewers run screaming for the exits – or more to the point, search the sofa for the TV remote with rising desperation – for industriously coming up with new ways to try to make money.

And thus we have © Ezra Levant’s Freedom Cruise drifting past the site of the unlamented Ripple Rock, eliminated by the Dominion Government in history’s largest non-nuclear blast on April 5, 1958, something that no private company … oh, never mind.

You have to admit, the characteristic optimism of the typical free marketeer is inspiring!

Indeed, should the voyage of the MV Zuiderdam fail to deliver the anticipated return on investment – although that is hard to imagine when passengers will have the opportunity to dine with a different Sun personality every night, go to private cocktail receptions with their favourite SNN personalities and attend seminars with Q&A sessions – Sun News can always hit up the CRTC or its maritime equivalent for a compensatory taxpayer subsidy.

And if things really don’t work out, the Sun News Network’s commentators will have been eased into new careers as cruise ship social facilitators. Not many sinking, as it were, companies would do that for their employees.

Each seminar will examine a fascinating question:

  • Could Thomas Mulcair or Justin Trudeau derail our beloved Prime Minister Stephen Harper in 2015? (Quelle horreur, l’horreur à double!)
  • Will environmental activists shut down Canada’s key industry? (Spelling the doom of Ethical Oil.)
  • What happened to Alberta and are conservative ideas safe anywhere in Canada? (Yes! At least aboard the MV Zuiderdam whilst she remains in Canadian waters!)
  • Is the U.S. now a liberal country? (Not while the Koch Brothers live and breathe!)

Passengers will also have the opportunity to hear from Pamela Geller, director of both the American Freedom Defense Initiative (AFDI) and Stop Islamization of America (SIOA).

We’re sorry to report that left-wingers in the guise of Stop the Alphabetization of Everything (SAOE), a group that I made up just now as if I were writing a cruise brochure for © Ezra Levant’s Freedom Cruise, are continually trying to bully and erode the free speech rights of people like this Great American Patriot of the Year (GAPOY).

Now hear this! Now hear this! Rainbow-coloured periscope to port! Take the helm, Mr. Queequeg! Hard to Starbuck, I mean to starboard! That is all! That is all!

Also aboard will be Janet Annesley Vice-President of Communications for the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers (CAPP), who will presumably be speaking about the threat posed by crazy environmentalists who could be lurking almost anywhere in rainbow-coloured submarines with plans to CAPP-size Canada’s ethical oil!

Readers will also be relieved to learn, as I was, that notwithstanding their mutual presence on this cruise, no business connection exists between the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers and Ezra Levant.

Moreover, the MV Zuiderdam is operated by the Holland America line and has never been used to ship unethical Chiquita bananas or burn unethical Bunker C.

Still, anyone who can survive nine days on board a boat with the crew of the Sun News Network without developing a really serious drinking problem deserves the Queen Elizabeth II Diamond Jubilee Medal.

Then again, anyone who is of a mind to do any such thing probably already has one!

Talk about maritime disasters!

This post also appears on Rabble.ca.

8 Comments on "Ahoy there, matey! Talk about maritime disasters! Trapped on a CAPP-sized banana boat with Ezra Levant!"

  1. Thanks for the heads-up! You have syndicated well for the unethical oil practices through an exemplary satire.

  2. Bruce A says:

    Maybe it’s just me but I can’t stop thinking that the list of speakers bear an eerie resemblance to the cast of Gilligan’s Island! It’s especially uncanny because Levant and Lilley both look like Skipper and Gilligan! We all know what a team they made! Geller and Pellerin are dead ringers for Ginger and Mary Anne! They even have a couple of Professor’s who might be able to fix a hole in the boat! Well, only if they have lots of coconuts and bamboo! Coren’s got the attitude to be Thurston Howell III and the Oil Women would be marvelleous as Lovey!

    Last but not least the Menzoid can be the radio guy!

    Heck, these people don’t need taxpayer money to survive! They’re already a nostalgia act! They just don’t realize it!

    Vegas isn’t but a phone call away! Why I bet the CRTC could even help get ‘em a start up grant and with any luck, they’ll hit it big and become ex-pats who get ‘sentimental’ about Canada on cue when asked!

  3. jerrymacgp says:

    Historical inaccuracy alert: the Ripple Rock blast was the largest planned non-nuclear explosion. The largest non-nuclear blast in history was the December 1917 Halifax Explosion, which flattened the entire north end of the city, killed thousands, and rendered many more thousands homeless.

    • Buddie Dharma says:

      Correct. The Canadian government’s contractor used 1,270 metric tonnes of high explosives to reduce Ripple Rock to rubble worthy of the recommendations from a neoliberal policy conference. The SS Mont-Blanc was carrying 2,810 metric tons of explosive on Dec. 6, 1917, and her accidental explosion was the largest in human history until the first atomic bomb went off on July 16, 1945. The Nova Scotia blast enabled significant improvements to be made to inner-city Halifax by the private sector. Under the circumstances, of course, There Was No Alternative (TWNA). The Soviets claimed to have set off an even larger non-nuclear explosion on the Kolonga River Canal just for the hell of it, but like we believe THAT!

  4. Filostrato says:

    I’m surprised they could even get a license for this cruise.

    According to the IMDG (International Maritime Dangerous Goods Code) which outlines the safe transportation or shipment of dangerous goods or hazardous materials by water on vessel, the various Intellectual stars aboard this vessel may fit into one or more of the following categories:

    Division 1.1: substances and articles which have a mass explosion hazard
    Division 1.5: very insensitive substances which have a mass explosion hazard

    (Evidence of these shown during LevantRants)

    Class 2.3: toxic gases
    (Emanations during the aforementioned LevantRants)

    Class 4.2: substances liable to spontaneous combustion

    Class 6: Toxic and infectious substances

    (The Illustrious Ms. Geller and her indiscriminate spread of Islamophobia. Not to be confused with hydrophobia, which requires intimate contact with infected saliva. Standing too near the podium may put one in spray range but Islamophobia can be spread over airwaves and now via cable and the interwebs where no actual contact or sentient brainwaves are necessary.)

    Class 6.1: toxic substances
    (Covers the whole lot.)

    Where is Mr. Levant’s buddy Ann Coulter? Invited but rejected the invitation? Spurned? A concerned public wishes to know.

  5. Al Bertosaurus says:

    The thought of wealthy, privileged passengers listening to wealthy, privileged speakers on a luxury cruise complain about downtrodden they are would be, well … rich.

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