Oh, we’ll squeeze you till the pips squeak, Premier Alison Redford seemed to be promising Albertans yesterday, as we nervously awaited the provincial budget that is to be brought down, possibly in flames, this afternoon.
This is different, of course, from the promises Ms. Redford was promising back when it looked like the Wildrose Party under Danielle Smith might actually win the provincial election in April 2012 – and then squeeze us till the pips squeaked.
Well, we the voters of Alberta clearly rejected the Wildrose pipsqueak … and apparently got a Wildrose pipsqueak instead. What’s wrong with this picture?
The problem may simply be that when our Progressive Conservative government and its leaders say one thing, they actually mean another. If we only had the glossary, we could have figured out what they really had in mind.
As a public service, then, here is Alberta Diary’s plain-language guide to Alberta political terminology. We hope profoundly it assists you in understanding the budget today.
So, for example, when they say “tough decisions,” they really mean … “decisions that will be tough on you.”
Each of the points below should be preceded by a shout of “when they say,” and followed by a response of, “they really mean…” And so in a few moments, it is hoped, all will become clear … or at least we’ll all have a nice time chanting and singing while the ship goes down.
Glossary of Alberta political terminology:
- Avoiding deep cuts … making deep cuts where we figure no one will scream, you know, like to poor people and education…
- Balanced budgets … infrastructure reduced to rubble through neglect …
- Baths twice a week … who said anything about hot water?
- Building this province through infrastructure spending … construction companies make bigger donations than sick people
- Canada’s economic engine … say goodbye to your manufacturing jobs, Ontario!
- Continue the work we started last year … we have one objective, to get re-elected in 2016 … for that we need a Throne Speech?
- Continue to drive this province forward … do whatever the petroleum industry wants
- Hold the line on health care costs … we’re more afraid of the Wildrose Party than the people who voted for us …
- New fiscal realities … we figure teachers and civil servants will vote for us anyway because they’re so scared of the Wildrose Party
- New fiscal realities II … I’m breaking all my promises …
- Prudent fiscal management … we’ve pissed all the money away again …
- Results-based budgeting … we want to make it impossible to compare anything with last year
- Sustainability … sustaining resource extraction until all the resources are extracted …
- Technical deficit … technically, we have a deficit
Well, you get the picture. Readers are invited to submit their own suggestions for what they say, and what they really mean.
In the mean time, the real question is how the Redford Conservatives expect this budget to help them get re-elected in 2016.
Because, count on it, however crazy this may seem to you, that’s the objective of everything they’re going to do today. That is, creating the conditions that will persuade Alberta voters to make the “safe choice” in 2016, and vote for the Conservatives one more time.
This post also appears on Rabble.ca.